An Alastor RP Catchall

[nomoreroom]

For when you just can't get enough bullshit in your day

Comments

[archraphael]

Descending into Hell was not Raphael's idea of fun. However his niece, Charlie, was a sweet girl and he did offer to help her however he could. Even with someone as distasteful as the Radio Demon, of all people.

The angel gripped his staff tightly as he rode the warm currents. He spotted the hotel and landed close by. He ignored a rather homophobic slurs yelled at him by a demon probably due to him wearing a robe.

Raphael rolled his eyes, prayed to Heaven for patience, and walked into the Happy Hotel itself. He looked around for the demon in question.

[nomoreroom]

If it was any consolation, talking with an angel wasn't exactly Alastor's definition of a great day either. It'd taken more than just Charlie asking him- Well no, begging him, cajoling him, pleading and making grand offers at him. It'd taken much, much more than that.

It'd taken a direct face to face chit chat with Lucifer himself, behind closed doors, to put Alastor in this situation; waiting, smile ever in place, in the lobby of the hotel.

It was unfair, ever, to call the smile on the Radio Demon's face strained, no matter what the emotion inside. He wore that grin like it was the most natural expression in the world, but there was a decided, vicious sharpness to it that betrayed the actual, seething anger bubbling just under that cheerful grin.

A hiss and pop, a soft crackle, and the demon spoke, ever sounding like that voice was being filtered through an ancient vacuum tube radio.

"About time you showed up! You almost missed me. I thought angels were supposed to be a little more punctual!" Forcefully cheerful. Violently chipper. Definitely displeased.

"Stealin's a sin, son, and this is gratuitous theft of my time."

[archraphael]

Son? Raphael was sure he had a few thousand years on him. His lips pursed ever so slightly but then relaxed as he decided to let it go.

Whoever was responsible for Alastor's demon form certainly had a dark sense of humor. The great southern hunter...now a deer. Cute.

"Yes, perhaps we can make that up to you in other ways." Raphael retrieved a set of folders from his satchel to put on the chair side table next to him. There were four of them and each an inch thick.

"Michael's files on you were extensive. Not my usual light reading."

Raphael gave Alastor a look over once more. This was gonna be a piece of work to deal with. Why in Heaven's name was Charlie so instant on this one?

"Let's get down to the point then. What do you really want?"

[nomoreroom]

There's more annoying nicknames and endearments to come, don't you worry, Raphael.

His posture was relaxed, despite the obvious displeasure, his head in his hand, elbow on the arm of the chair, long crimson nails tapping delicately against his cheek as the angel dug out a great deal of paperwork. All about him? Well, he's positive none of them have anything good to say.

He's absolutely flattered, and leans forward just a hair to reach for one such folder, obviously curious as to what Heaven's been saying about him. It better be terrifying.

The second once over he got was met with a smug, razor toothed leer back.

"What, Charlie didn't tell you?" Oh Charlie got to have her name, apparently. Everyone else got stupid pet names, okay.

"I'm just here to help with the Hotel, of course, what else would I possibly want then to see all these poor damned souls redeemed?" Which was an obvious lie, but it definitely accomplished what he was aiming for, as far as he was concerned. Not answering the question!

[archraphael]

He raised his right palm upward and curled two fingers forward causing a chair behind the angel to move forward for him to take a seat. Unfortunately Raphael sat wrong and had to squirm a bit to adjust his wings over the arm rest.

A white hand with black fingers pulled the files back away from Alastor.

"My niece is under the impression that you contain some sort of redeeming quality to you." Emphasis on the singular rather than the plural.

Putting the folders on his lap he opened the third one and flipped through a few pages before pulling out a glossy photograph. He turned it around to show Alastor a detailed photograph of one of his more bloody massacres.

"Oh, we have a pretty good idea of what else you could possibly want. So how about we save both ourselves the trouble and drop the goody two shoes act?"

[nomoreroom]

Just a snort from Alastor as the angel was forced to fuss with his wings for a moment. A short noise, little better than a burst of static, but obvious enough. Apparently he found the awkward action entertaining enough.

He nearly, just nearly attempted to vindictively spear the files with one needle sharp claw, but thought better of it, drawing back to his seat to watch Raphael thumb through the pages, expression hooded.

Oh! He remembered that one. The sudden, pleasant laugh seemed to indicate a charmed feeling of nostalgia from Alastor. You know, like Raphael had tugged out a snapshot of a lake party.

Rather than someone apparently getting their tongue spooled out of their mouth like salt water taffy.

"Hey, look at that! Ha haaa, almost forgot that one! Ah, what year was that, they do start to blend together after a while. Tug out one guy's tongue, you've tugged 'em all out." Implying this has happened more than once.

"Before I answer that, what's what I what have to do with you bein' here? Because I'm pretty sure whatever I want isn't usually of any concern to the boys in white upstairs.

What do you want?"

[archraphael]

"July 24, 1927."

Ah, that was the million dollar question wasn't it? There was, in fact, something in it for Raphael but how much of that should he reveal to the deer demon? Anything that the angel said could be used against him at any time, for any reason.

Not to mention there was no way to make Alastor answer truthfully or answer at all. It was a dangerous game where one needed to think more than a few steps ahead.

The angel paused for quite a long time thinking of his answer. Then he spoke.

"I want to help my niece even though I already told her you would be a waste of time and energy. I want to go home and forget about you. But I know you won't change out of the goodness of your heart so I want to find something else to motivate you." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the complete truth either.

[nomoreroom]

"Oh, I had six more years to go then! If I'd known then what I know now, I would have invested a little more in bear traps. Hindsight's twenty twenty, right?" Still happily dancing around the subject at hand. As far as he was concerned, he didn't need to do any business with heaven.

Not unless their emissary planned on being a little more open with their goals here.

Something he finally got to, after this little verbal two step had carried on for long enough, it seemed.

"And what's that motivation going to be, sport? Not money, I know that! Power? I got plenty of that and the creeping suspicion that Heaven isn't too keen on me getting any more of it!

So, are you offering me a ticket out?"

[archraphael]

"Money is rather pointless when you become an incorporeal being." Raphael agreed. The power guess was spot on Alastor. The last thing Heaven was another would be upstart thinking they were the next Satan incarnate. Well, let's get to it shall we?

"It's not a permanment ticket out, Little Fawn." Raphael answered, "But yes, an opportunity to hunt on the surface once again as you did in decades past."

[nomoreroom]

Got it and got it, he was indeed exceedingly pleased with himself to have read this so well. Now he knew just what the bargaining chip was. That self-satisfied expression sharpened once more, however, at the name, though it was allowed to slip without a comment on it.

He'd not even dignify that stupid moniker with a response.

"Well then, what's the catch? Isn't permanent, so either this is going to be a little postmortem parole, or heaven's in the market for a brand new attack dog they can send out when the rabble acts up.

Which one is it, slugger?"

[archraphael]

Alastor was the one who started it with the moniker nonsense. What's good for the gander is good for the goose after all. Don't hurt yourself patting yourself on the back.

"The second." Raphael replied rather calmly as if he was ordering tea. It would be of no advantage to keep that tidbit from the Radio Demon. Just by paying attention to the victims anyone would be able to figure it out.

"You know, in ancient times, naming was seen as an important step in a person's life. Your name wasn't chosen because it was pretty sounding back then. For example my name, Raphael, comes from ancient Hebrew. 'El' was an old word for 'God' and 'Raph' meant 'healing'. Do you know the origen of the term 'Alastor'?"

[nomoreroom]

He has no regrets, and he'll continue to be aggressively shitty, it's one of the many, many things he knows he's very good at.

"I'm no idiot, friend, I know what the name means." He could piece the correlation between his name and what Heaven might have in mind for him.

"So I'm going to guess you want me to head upstairs every now and again to lay low a particularly impressive sinner whenever Heaven doesn't have the time or energy to dispatch someone a little more palatable for the job.

Now a vacation's all fine and dandy, but I got two questions.

One: what's the catch? Can't just send a murderer up and expect him to not be a little indiscriminate. You did just say you don't expect me to change for the sake of changing!

Which brings me to two: what do I get for doing all this? A little fun? A chance to smell the sulfur-free air? Or do you got a better carrot to dangle in front of my nose?"

[archraphael]

Well he's good at it there's no denying that.

Christ give him patience. The demon wanted a better carrot other than getting out of this smelly armpit that Lucifer called a relm? This disgusting backwater imbecile populace? Raphael gave him a look he only reserved for those who were clearly fucking with him and those who were just plain dumb. Jury's still out which one this was.

"You're going to have to be discriminate. You'll have one mission and one mission only and that's to dispatch those who condemn themselves to die. How you do it we don't particularly care but that you remain on target is what's most important to us."

Raphael gave another sigh. He couldn't force Alastor to do anything and that was the frusterating part. Even in a state of total damnation the demon, by virtue of being born human, still had the divine right of free will. The most an angel could do was snap his fingers and instantly transport him back to Hell due to his state of damnation.

But that didn't mean everything was hopeless. Raphael still had one more trick up his sleeve before he had to turn back to Charlie in failure.

"You can't kill." He told Alastor plainly, "Sure you can maim, cruelly torture, take over, and what not but demons can't kill other demons without angel steel and from my understanding of your market down here there's very little of it and high demand."

The angel put the files back in his satchel and stood, "But fine. Stay here in this fetid stink pool that you call a home. One serial killer is no different from another and I don't doubt I'll get plenty of takers. I'll find another avenging spirit and tell Charlie that you weren't interested. And you'll stay here, rotting shoulder to shoulder with the worst of humanity, until Judgement Day and trumpets sound provided you survive to that point. Have a nice afterlife."

[nomoreroom]

And he'd certainly still be here, still specifically haunting the hotel, waiting for that first call. Unsure of what it'd look like, feel like, be like, he'd been paying exceptional attention to... literally everything.

Pretty sure he'd be made a hundred percent aware when he was needed, but demons in Hell weren't particularly well known for their unwavering trust in the system. May as well be prepared for something stupid.

[archraphael]

"Hey, I know you!" A drunk sinner yelled at Raphael.

"No you don't." The angel replied quickly and pushed the demon away with his staff when he tried to make a grab for his robes.

Raphael gave a sigh of relief when he managed to get through the hotel doors and close them behind him. Dusting his robe off he looked up and saw Alastor.

"How do you stand it here?" He asked as he walked over.

[nomoreroom]

"Sit somewhere for eighty five years, you learn to tolerate it pretty well!" That and what with being one of the scariest assholes in Hell, one was usually afforded a more tolerable experience.

"What's wrong, feathers, had a rough commute?"

[archraphael]

Tolerate being the keyword. It would be impossible to enjoy such a place in the healer's opinion.

Oh, this game again? Very well.

"Your people aren't the most enjoyable to be around, Little Fawn. Thankfully since you're my plus one we can take the elevator instead."

He gave a three taps with his staff and a bright blue circle went around them.

[nomoreroom]

This game for the next one hundred years or until one of them breaks! It's absolutely a power move, he can't just sit around taking orders from an angel and not be openly irreverent.

One ear flicks, but his expression doesn't change, perhaps just pleased enough to know that, for a short time, he'd be somewhere else other than Hell.

"Well, isn't that fancy? Plan on telling me any details on the way up or do I have to wait?"

[archraphael]

Wonderful.

Raphael did look at Alastor curiously at his next sentence as they began to rise up.

"If you'd like I'm willing to tell. I figured you wouldn't care one way or another so long as you got to rip into people. And eat them if the files are correct."

[nomoreroom]

"Gotta know who I'm looking for!" No he didn't care what the person did, didn't care how old or young, didn't care if they were rich or poor or had the saddest backstory in the world.

"What do they look like? Or do you just plan on dropping me right into their house? Not much of a trip up top if I'm just in and out but hey, no skin off my nose."

[archraphael]

"Let's see how well you do first." Raphael didn't want to get ahead if himself making these long trips if Alastor was just going to go on a rampage anyway.

He drew a photograph of a young man out of his satchel to give to Alastor. The young man had to be in his mid twenties, clean cut, with a trusting face.

"He works at a convalescent home. Likes to have it with the coma patients. He's already been caught once so he's clearly immune to earthly punishment. Speaking of punishment,"

Raphael turned to look back at the Radio Demon, "You're willingness to leave Hell wouldn't happen to have anything to do with this Vox character everyone's murmuring about would it?"

[nomoreroom]

"Oh I get it, a healthy amount of distrust!" Well... hey, he was kind of right. He had no way of knowing if Alastor would just attempt to take full advantage of his time on earth, deal or no deal.

He snagged the picture, head tilting as he scrutinized the drawing.

"What, can't find anyone awake? What ever happened to necrophilia, almost no one complained about necrophilia!" Well... back in the thirties, anyway. "Consider him past tense." Never much cared for sex offenders anyway.

"What, that shitbox?" There was a laugh, laden with static, the vaguest crackle of that crackling snow eating at the very corners of reality for half a second.

"Not a chance. Entirely personal." What, like he'd have said anything else? Even if he was genuinely concerned about the screen-faced demon, he wouldn't ever say it.

[archraphael]

Oh God now he had necrophilia on his mind. The healer squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think about literally anything else.

"Word is your friend's on his way to becoming the new Satan. Personally I doubt any mortal soul can beat Lucifer but he's been amassing enough power for Michael to take notice."

[nomoreroom]

"It sounds like he has an excellent PR team!" Not worried. Not even slightly.

Not concerned. Not jumping ship. This isn't the smile of someone who's concerned about their welfare.

"He's of course welcome to enjoy his time in the spotlight! He doesn't have any kind of lasting power, and I fully expect him to crack before our hundred years is up."

[archraphael]

Raphael shrugged, "Well you're on the ground here so you'd know better."

This would be a perfect time to mention the 'video killed the radio star' joke but since Alastor is from the thirties Raph doubts he'd get the joke. As they went up Raphael looked down at the whole vast region of Hell.

"I'm not going to lie to you." He told Alastor, "I'm looking forward to when we're going to wipe this place out of exsistence. It's something we should've done a while ago."